INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in.
Until last month or so, my most recent "ah-a" moment (the sudden smack of clarity surrounding a situation, not the urge to listen to 80s one-hit wonders) was when I had taken the Mensa Admissions Test. There were about 30 people in the classroom -- which was really the basement of a Unitarian church somewhere east of the city -- a proctor and a timer. We were all uncomfortably milling around the room, engaging in small talk that usually focused on "are you nervous?" and "I'm nervous." When the proctor finally settled us in he explained some of the camaraderie that goes along with being a Mensan, and for a lot of people it was extremely cathartic. "All of these folks, who have varying degrees of education, political leanings, musical preferences, favorite sci-fi show, whatever, really...but still you get a very strong feeling when you're with them, best summed up as these are my people.
It was eye-opening in the sense that I've never really felt like I was nestled on the fringes in any social gatherings, at least not for that reason (that reason being "a higher IQ", and even typing that makes me sweat...it feels arrogant...it probably is arrogant), but even in the testing stages of Mensa admission I felt like I was in a room full of people like me, however you choose to define those similarities. None of them looked like ex-jocks, and I'd wager there were more than a few grossly conservative folk in the mix, but I still got that sense of unity.
I've been a Mensa member for about a year now, and while I haven't experienced any significant benefits (I did get a vanity e-mail address, so now I receive more sophisticated spam at my member.mensa.org domain), I did attend a gathering last month that may qualify as the only party I didn't try to sneak out of unnoticed.
INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact.
In September I leveraged my tendencies to procrastinate via Facebook quizzes into validating my Myers-Briggs Personality Type. It's an assessment I took about a decade ago through some team-building exercise at work. I was not surprised to be one of the few introverts in the sales department, but I was surprised to be the only INFJ in the meeting.
It's the "I" in INFJ that tends to surprise people (and you can read the parts I didn't plagiarize about INFJs here). The introverted stereotype is that we're the loners, the folks that prefer the company of nobody, engage in zero conversation, and coast through life with all of their thoughts bottled up tightly so it will never get out, with little credence given to others.
Like most stereotypes, some of that is true.
INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea.
Nothing has ever been so poignant. That is exactly how I see myself, or rather how I project myself, which often comes off as closeted, or unnervingly stoic. My brain is just the end result of 35 years of inner thoughts mashed up against outside stimuli, so my default setting is to take the cowardly route and either make some frustrating generalization about my demeanor (i.e. "I feel fine") or say words that may imply my emotions without ever really getting down to it.
I've never been able to grasp people's abilities to so easily sum up what they're feeling in a word or phrase. Shouldn't percentages be involved or something? Right now I'm 60% concerned that I'm feigning expertise of introverts, or at least INFJs, based on some silly web site and my own life, 25% of me is stressed over fucking up some work last week and is trying to both multitask to catch some of it up (my new motto: I Just Need a Win) while trying to quell the stress by writing about it, apparently, and the rest of me is wondering if these two crickets on either side of my street are ever going to hook up...I assume that's why they make those noises...aren't all nature sounds really thinly-disguised mating calls?
INFJs have strong beliefs and take the actions that they do not because they are trying to advance themselves, but because they are trying to advance an idea that they truly believe will make the world a better place.
Altruism has plenty of drawbacks. While I am more centered on the lamentation that what I do isn't really benefiting anyone in the cosmic sense, I do have a penchant for putting just about everyone else I know ahead of myself on the food chain. That's not to say I'm selfless. I'm not giving Mother Theresa a run for her money. There's some inertia involved, sure. I was definitely raised by people that gave their time or their effort or their money towards the greater good. I've always believed that, whatever I have, it's more than what someone else might have, and the only way to feel even remotely connected to the rest of the world is to try to even things out. Sorry if that got steamrolled by grandiosity. I'm not combating famine in Africa or anything, as much as I'd like to.
When it comes to romantic relationships, INFJs take the process of finding a partner seriously. Not ones for casual encounters, people with the INFJ personality type instead look for depth and meaning in their relationships.
This part was "ah-a" to me only because I thought that's what everyone was looking for. Casual dating is such a fucking mystery to me. I'm more of a "casually wearing the same jeans all week" kind of guy, I don't want my informality bleeding into a relationship. My jeans aren't important.
Granted, I haven't had a lot of relationships, and as each day passes I'm extended my personal record of "Number of Days Single", but I have had enough dates that were frank enough to say that they were a little confused by how I was "all in" on the first encounter.
It's a fair assessment from them, but not something I tend to take as a criticism. I don't do leaps of faith very well. Every relationship had a long gestation period of getting to know each other. I thought that's just how I viewed relationships in general: as friendships that evolved. But, apparently, that's just my personality type, I'll take the time necessary to find someone they truly connect with. Sorry/not sorry if that's frustrating.
Despite this, INFJs will also push their children to think independently, make their own choices and establish their own beliefs.
The last time I used "because I said so" as a rationale for any order handed down to my daughter, she was six. I think it's a perfectly valid reason to kids that age or younger, who may be curious to hear the reasoning behind why they shouldn't smear their hands with glue and pet the cat or why I'm not even turning this car on until they put their seatbelt on. But, along with being highly impressionable, they are severely absent-minded, and there's plenty of days where I'd rather throw out the "I'm your dad so you do what I say" card than launch into the pros and cons of eating pie for breakfast.
But she called me on my bullshit three years ago, when I told her to brush her hair before bed (because I said so). She retorted with "well you don't brush your hair before bed."
Shit. That's true. That's so true.
"Well, my hair's different than yours. It's shorter, and I take showers in the morning so I don't have to worry about brushing it before bed."
"What if I try not brushing it before bed and see what it's like in the morning?"
I guess that was the night the hair elves showed up and tied her hair in knots, because she woke up totally ready to jam out at Burning Man, but probably not ready for school. Leave it to my daughter to turn hair-brushing into an experiment.
We don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues already, particularly my vegetarianism vs. her "MEAT IS GOOD, EAT MEAT YOU WEIRDO" stance, and it's hard to toe the line between foisting beliefs upon her to match my own and letting her sort out her own battles. I want her to be her own person, but within the confines of what her mom and I deem to be a "good" person, which sounds counterintuitive. Because it is. This is pretty much parenting in a nutshell. Be unique, except like me.
INFJs are likely to prioritize harmony and cooperation over ruthless efficiency, encouraging a good, hardworking atmosphere and helping others when needed. While this is usually a strength, there is a risk that others will take advantage of INFJs’ commitment to their responsibilities by simply shifting their burdens onto their more dedicated INFJ colleagues’ desks.
Oh yeah. I've been there.
It's disillusioning, in a sense, to both a) gain such a sense of relatability from a freaking Facebook quiz and b) come to the conclusion that I am largely in the minority (making up less than one percent of the population), but that feeling is more than offset by the notion that someone gets me.
Of course that "someone" is a web site. Which probably surprises no one. I mean, I've typed more words over the last hour than I've probably spoken all day.
