#3: Aging Sporadically

While I was never much of an underage drinker in high school (this post is off to a rockin' start), I was a little jealous of Canada and the UK for having much more relaxed age limits.  I lived/live pretty close to Canada, but not quite close enough that I could justify driving up there just to drink, especially at 19.  I was saddled with other important commitments like "flunking out of my first college" or "being a really terrible telemarketer".

The 21-vs-18 oddity in United States age restrictions is more than a little confusing.  The government is telling me that I'm old enough to enlist in the Army and elect government officials and smoke and buy lottery tickets and get a credit card, but NOT old enough to drink or gamble (really? so the lottery isn't gambling?)

...and either way I'm not old enough to rent a car.

My Celebrations of Adulthood Part I and Part II were anticlimactic...a feeling shared by many, I'm sure.  I remember my friend taking me to Giant Eagle at 12:30 in the morning to purchase cigars, and after perusing the exactly three cigar options available at that hour I settled on Tijuana Smalls (under the rationale that Primus' "Shake Hands With Beef" featured the not-so-subliminal line "Roll out the cannon, boys.  Steal us some wine. Puff Tijuana Smalls.")  This was my first and last time partaking in this brand.

By the time 21 rolled around I was already pretty well-versed in drinking (HI MOM AND DAD), and while my actual birthday featured no drinking -- to the best of my recollection -- we did throw a pretty kick-ass Y2K party in our apartment, where I drank a lot of Zima.  This is, by far, the most dated sentence I've ever written.  If I could have incorporated "and then my friend called on the home phone" or "just after logging into AOL..."

The actual sensation of adulthood, though, seems to come even later than 18, or 21, or 25 (not that renting a car doesn't come with a thrilling sense of responsibility).  It sort of washes over you in waves.  Here are just a handful of occurrences over the past 20 years that added a few points to my adulthood score.

• If I see a car with a backside full of bumper stickers I think man, he is going to have SO much trouble getting fair trade value for that thing.
• My 401(k) was significantly affected by the stock market crash.
• I have a 401(k).
• I went to the movies by myself (Matrix Reloaded, for those curious...I fell asleep in the middle).
• I have a vested interest in the aesthetic state of my front yard.
• I got a certified letter from the borough demanding that I pay my past-due garbage collection bill (despite them never sending me said bills...and I was sure they had my address, since they collect trash four feet from my fucking house every single week).
• My daughter has complained that "you're embarrassing me, Dad."
• Cashiers refer to me as "sir".
• Music I used to listen to in school is in steady rotation on the oldies station.
• I care less and less about sports with each passing second of time.
• I am occasionally content with doing absolutely nothing all weekend and I'll brag about it to coworkers on Monday.
• I once was 20 minutes late to work after sitting in the car to listen to the rest of a long-form news story on NPR.
• The only time I'm carded is out of pity when I'm drinking with someone that does look young enough to be carded.
• I've complained about the rowdiness of my neighbors.

I didn't feel like an adult when I turned 18.  I mean, it's hard to put on an air of responsibility when you're living with your parents and bringing in a $400 paycheck that seems like an incredible amount of money.  Ditto for 21, when my parents paid my rent (although I adultishly reasoned with them that my rent would be cheaper than the cost of on-site housing at college) and my roommates and I shopped exclusively at Sam's Club so we ended up eating pierogies or ramen every day for months at a time.  I didn't even really feel like an adult when I got my first job, because after bills I was most likely to spend my disposable income on cigarettes and Playstation games.

I think the government should modify the definition of "legal adult" to one of three achievements (whichever happens first):

1. "The age at which you feel slightly embarrassed to be shopping at the mall."  For me this was around 24, when stores like Hot Topic started cropping up to remind me that there is an entire generation at my heels that are driving supply and demand more feverishly than I could ever hope to.  
2. "The age at which you're at the pharmacy at 4 in the morning buying children's tylenol"...because, c'mon...what you REALLY want to do after you get your vomiting toddler to go back to sleep is to down a few stiff drinks and fall asleep to Friends reruns.
3. "The age at which you adopt a pet."  I realize that you could adopt a pet at like 14, but a) you're at least imitating someone that aspires to be a responsible person, b) you're giving a cute animal a loving home (and it BETTER be loving), and c) the next decade of early morning poop walks/constant litter box scooping/never-ending cage cleanings should give you the right to reward yourself with a beer or the chance to throw $20 away on some slot machine.  Besides, wouldn't pet shelters be virtually empty if this was a legitimate rule?  Kids would be scooping up dogs by the armful just for the chance to throw a kickass party.  THINK ABOUT IT, BIG BROTHER.